Bullying and How to Deal with It » The Unclouded Path

Bullying is a problem that has been around ever since human societies came into being. It’s so ingrained that for centuries, having to deal with bullying was regarded as something to be expected. Well fortunately, not anymore. I grew up before smartphones and social media, so whatever troubles I had with bullies started and ended at school. But with the development of those technologies, bullying has gotten so pervasive that it’s finally being recognized as a serious problem. Here’s what you should know about bullying and how to deal with it.

What Constitutes Bullying?

Most people define bullying as repeated aggressive behavior with the purpose of hurting another person physically, mentally, and/or emotionally. It’s a widespread problem. In the US, about a fifth of students (middle and high school) deal with bullying every year. In addition, according to the American Psychological Association, about 40-80% of students experience bullying at some point in their school years. Bullying doesn’t just stop at school, though. It can be present in the workplace as well.

All 50 US states have an anti-bullying law, but they aren’t consistent and implementation hasn’t been uniform. After age 18, though, bullying behaviors can be prosecuted under legal terms such as hazing, harassment, and stalking. Even so, there are a number of factors that prevent people from reporting bullying, which will be discussed later.

Here are some examples of bullying in various contexts:

School

name-calling, threats, teasing, and taunting
humiliating the victim publicly and spreading false rumors
excluding the victim from group activities
physical violence such as hitting or tripping
breaking or stealing the victim’s possessions

College/Academia

verbal attacks meant to humiliate the victim or belittle his or her profession or social status
withholding information or opportunities, like training workshops, that could have benefited the victim
stealing or withholding credit that the victim deserved
removing the victim from positions of authority

Workplace

excluding the victim from meetings and other company events
spreading rumors or gossiping about the victim
withholding information required to do a job, like deadlines
assigning tedious tasks or tasks with unreasonable deadlines
sabotaging or taking credit for the victim’s work
using abusive or demeaning language

Online

online harassment such as sending hateful messages or threats
sharing compromising material such as images or video to humiliate the victim
spreading false rumors with the purpose of getting others to bully the victim
“doxing” (posting personal information about the victim so others can harass him or her)
using “sock-puppets” (fake accounts controlled by the bully) to amplify the bullying or obtain compromising information

The Dynamics of Bullying

There are three general roles in bullying: the bully, the victim, and the bystander. Of these, the bystander is arguably the most important because they can either help stop the bullying or worsen it. Bystanders who help the victim, such as friends, strengthen the victim’s position and can be enough to convince the bully that the victim isn’t an easy target. They also let the victim know that he or she isn’t alone in the conflict, boosting confidence. On the other hand, bystanders who help the bully, or even those who don’t do anything at all, give the bully the impression that they support his or her actions. This emboldens the bully and can make the victim feel that dealing with bullying is hopeless.

The main reason why the victim and even bystanders sometime fail to report harassment is fear and intimidation. That’s how bullies get away with their actions. Victims and bystanders may feel that by reporting the situation, it will only make it worse, they might lose their social standing, or they might become the next target. Indeed, in some situations, like the workplace, the bullies are entrenched in the organization and in positions of power. Reporting them in these cases has led to powerful retaliation.

Bullying is almost always a result of a power imbalance (or the perception of one). For example, some bullies attack others who are lower than them in terms of social standing to make themselves feel superior or to control them. Other bullies are social misfits themselves and bully others to gain attention or fit in. Still others might bully people out of jealousy. In the cases where it’s not a power imbalance, it’s most likely an issue with cultural norms (ex. conformity) or hate speech against the victim’s race, ethnicity, gender, sexual identity/orientation, or disabilities.

There are many kinds of bullies, but they tend to have similar traits. They typically have inflated but fragile egos, low self-esteem, and are insecure. As a result, they bully others to either mask or alleviate these feelings. That’s why some bullies team up (called “mobbing”). It’s to make themselves feel stronger. But not all bullies are like this. Some are socially successful and may have high self-esteem. These kinds of bullies typically hurt people because they feel slighted in some way and take their frustrations out on others who don’t have the courage or means to fight back.

The Effects of Bullying

Unsurprisingly, bullying is harmful to all involved. Victims are more likely to have anxiety problems, depression, stress-related health problems, reduced self-esteem, and increased aggression. Some may go on to bully others. These changes may persist to adulthood and lead to reduced academic and career achievements. In some extreme cases, the victim might commit suicide or even decide to get revenge through lethal violence.

Bullies are more likely to continue to be abusive and aggressive later on in life, have drug problems, and engage in criminal activity. One 2011 study estimates that about 60% of middle school bullies will have at least one criminal conviction by age 24.

Bystanders who help bullies fare similarly to them. On the other hand, bystanders who help the victim tend to fell better about themselves. But they also may have increased anxiety or depression, possibly from fear of being the next target.

What to Do to Deal with Bullying

Numerous schools and other institutions have implemented various policies and programs to deal with bullying with varying success. For example, zero-tolerance policies are relatively ineffective. On the other hand, programs where access to teachers and other figures of authority is open and encouraged; programs that foster an empathetic climate; programs that include teachers, students, and parents; and programs where students themselves lead the anti-bullying efforts are the most successful.

Those programs and policies may be helpful, but they aren’t everywhere. So here are some general tips on how to deal with bullying:

For the Victim

Make some good friends and be with them. Bullies tend to target isolated individuals because they’re an easier target. by increasing the number of people in your group, you help neutralize the power imbalance.
Be confident. If you don’t have much confidence in yourself, try to find something about yourself to be proud of or talk with a counselor. When you’re confident in yourself, your body language will reflect it. Bullies pick up on these kinds of subtle clues, and confident body language means that you’re a difficult target. Examples of confident body language include keeping your head up, relaxed shoulders (but not slouching), and an upright posture.
Neutrally dismiss the bully. While ignoring a bully completely might work sometimes, the bully might feel that messing with you is a kind of challenge and escalate his or her attacks. A better solution is to casually dismiss the bully. For example, you could respond with “Cool story, bro” or “And then…?”. It shows that you are indeed getting the message, but it doesn’t affect you at all. Do it enough times and the bully might decide that his or her attacks aren’t having the intended effect and move on.
Be assertive. It’s a variant of the above tip. Use an assertive tone (but not overly aggressive or emotional) and talk to the bully about his or her actions and say that you want them to stop. It’s riskier, in my opinion, because it may let the bully know that he or she is having an effect on you. But at least you’re displaying confidence and letting the bully know that you will not be intimidated.
Don’t try to talk back or retaliate. Dealing with bullying this way will only give the bully the attention he or she wants. It also lets the bully know that he or she is successful at getting on your nerves. Just let bullies burn themselves out. There’s a saying online: “Don’t feed the troll”. It’s as true offline as it is online.
Don’t be afraid to talk with parents, teachers, or other figures of authority. This is especially true if you have a good relationship with them. They may not know about your problems and will help you fix them once they do. These people typically have more power than the bully so the risk of being labeled a “snitch” is of little consequence. However, make sure that you both agree on a specific course of action. Sometimes the helper may do something too drastic, leading to future retaliation.
Try not to go out of your way to avoid a bully. Doing so might tip the bully off that his or her actions are having an effect on you.
Don’t wait thinking the problem will go away. Often a bully will “test the water” to see if you’re an easy target. If you don’t do anything about it or wait too long to deal with the bullying, it’s a clear signal that he or she can get away with hurting you.
Be persistent in your efforts. Even if something doesn’t work, don’t give up. Try something else instead. Some bullies are quite stubborn and stopping your efforts could give them the signal that you’ve surrendered.
For serious cases, gather as much evidence as you can and report it to the proper authorities. For example, you could record the bully’s actions with a smartphone or you could take screenshots of online interactions. That way, you’ll have a strong case if the bully tries to challenge your account.
Have a backup plan. Some bullies are just too entrenched to be removed. These can include company executives, tenured professors, and others who have a lot of political power. In these cases, if you just can’t deal with the bullying, you might want to consider leaving the organization.

For the Bystander

Don’t do nothing. If you don’t like what a bully is doing, speak up. Keeping quiet will just send the signal that you implicitly condone it. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services estimates that about half the time, when a friend or bystander helps defend the victim, the incident stops within 10 seconds. Having more people support the victim helps even out the power imbalance at play and neutralize the bully. In addition, others will more likely come to your aid if you’re ever bullied.
Console the victim afterward if you can. It will reduce his or her sense of helplessness. If victims know that there are people who will stand up for them, they’ll be more confident and hence reduce the chance of future bullying.
Help the victim report the incident. When it’s just the bully and victim, it often becomes a case of “he said, she said”. Having more witnesses strengthens the victim’s case.
Helping victims promotes an anti-bullying climate. Bullying thrives on easy targets, but it there aren’t any, it’s difficult for it to become prevalent.

For the Bully

Find a hobby you enjoy. And no, bullying is not a hobby. As you’ve read, being a bully won’t solve your problems and may actually make your life worse. Instead, channel your frustration and energy into a hobby. You might even make a new friend or two by finding others who have similar interests.
If you have personal problems, talk to a school counselor or psychologist. They can give you suggestions or even point you to resources that will help you sort your life out. It’s certainly a lot more helpful than trying to solve your problems by hurting others.
Learn to treat others with respect and kindness. In turn, people are more likely to respect and be nice to you. Bullying gives you a false sense of respect. I liken it to this expression: people in chains will do as you say only as long as the chains are on. In other words, the moment you lose control of whoever you’ve bullied (and you WILL eventually lose control), they will leave you or even turn against you. That’s not the way to make real friends.
It’s never too late to change. You might have bullied before, but don’t think that you have to keep doing it to maintain your social standing. As I mentioned above, whatever friends or respect you may think you gained from bullying likely aren’t genuine. You can still change your ways and make new friends.