Resolving Conflicts in a Relationship

Valentine’s Day is coming up, so I figured I write a post for couples. This time, I’ll be talking about resolving conflicts in a relationship. Conflicts are bound to come up eventually, and settling them the right way is the key to making a relationship last. So, read on to find out how to best deal with those problems.

How Do Conflicts Arise in Relationships?

Most conflicts in relationships arise from a difference in opinion or approach to a problem. Here are some of the most common ones:

chores and other household duties
social media usage
degree of commitment (for unmarried couples)
finances
prioritizing work over the relationship
too much drinking or other substance abuse
amount of time spent together
amount of sexual activity
parenting

Other things that could lead to conflicts include particular personality types (such as narcissistic or highly avoidant personalities), a tendency to lie or keep secrets, and chronic infidelity.

If left alone for too long, these problems become a source of resentment for one or both partners. That buildup of resentment and contempt can lead to even more disagreements or even affairs, which understandably often end relationships. That’s why resolving conflicts before they reach this destructive cycle is important to making a relationship last.

General Approach to Resolving Conflicts in a Relationship

Resolving conflicts in a relationship is actually a lot like dealing with other interpersonal conflicts (albeit at a much more intimate level), such as with your co-workers or friends. In fact, you might find that some of the techniques here can work for those situations, too.

Each relationship is unique, but in essence, it’s all about communication and empathy. The goal is to understand each other’s differences and come up with a solution that you can both agree on. Here’s the general approach and some tips you can try to help get you there:

The Basic Approach

1. Define Your Problem and Come up With Some Possible Solutions

The first thing you should do is to understand what exactly it is that you see as a problem. Be specific and thorough. For example, is your partner playing games every weekend with friends the real problem or is that frustration really coming from something else? You might find that the complaints you have are a manifestation of a deeper anger from something bigger, such not spending enough time together.

After figuring out the exact problem, come up with a few solutions to discuss with your partner. It’s very unproductive when someone complains about something and then says something like “I don’t know! You figure it out!” when you ask what he or she wants you to do about it. Try to be specific and also reasonable in your solutions, too. Extreme solutions are non-starters in discussions and will only make your partner less receptive to talking about the problem.

2. Find a Time to Discuss the Issue

I’m sure no one looks forward to the words “We need to talk”, but you can make it less dreaded by scheduling your discussion for a time when you two are more agreeable. For example, you shouldn’t make it take place after work or late at night when one or both of you may be tired (more irritable and/or can’t think straight). You also shouldn’t let it take place before mealtime. People tend to be more bad-tempered when they’re hungry. There’s even a colloquial term for it: “hangry” (hungry + angry).

3. Discuss the Issue in a Constructive Way

For a more civil discussion, you could both agree to certain rules before starting (ex. no interrupting or personal attacks). Take turns and let each other have ample time to talk about their side of the issue fully. That way both of you can get a better understanding of the problem and come up with a reasonable solution.

It’s important to resist the urge to get defensive when one of you is talking. You’ll get your turn afterwards, and getting defensive while your partner is talking only invites a heated argument. One of the things you learn in tech support (which deals with lots of potentially frustrated people) is to swallow your ego while the other person is talking and not become defensive. Not only does it help prevent the situation from escalating into a shouting contest, you also might find that the other person will become more calm once he or she has vented out his or her frustrations.

If things get too heated, just put the discussion off until you both calm down. Continuing to argue when you’re both angry gets nowhere and might make future discussions less likely. But it’s important to make it clear that it’s just a time-out and not that you’re giving up. Saying that you don’t want talk about the issue anymore and then leaving only makes the other person more anxious or angry and does nothing to help the problem.

In the heat of the discussion, it’s easy to forget that you and your partner are supposed to be a team. The goal is not to prove that you’re more “right” than your partner, demean him or her, or get the last word in. A “win” only happens when you two find a solution that you can both accept.

4. Try the Solution and Evaluate It

Once you two have come up with a solution that you can both agree on, try it out. The changes might not come easily at first, so give each other an adjustment period. After a while, have another discussion about how the new changes are working out. If they’re working great, be sure to say that you like them. It’s a form of positive reinforcement and encourages your partner to stick with the changes. If they aren’t, try to find another solution. It’s totally fine if the first solution you two come up with doesn’t work out. Instead of thinking that your relationship is doomed, turn the failure into a learning experience. Understanding why the solution failed can help you come up with a better one.

That being said, in the end, you shouldn’t let resolving relationship conflicts take priority over actually understanding your partner. Being with a person is what a relationship is really for, and fixing the problems in one is only part of it.

Some General Tips

Speak Out and Don’t Avoid Conflict for the Sake of Avoiding It

Some people get the impression that in prefect relationships, no one disagrees or argues. So, in order to get closer to that ideal, they sweep all their misgivings and complaints under the rug. Bad idea. Those issues will likely be a source of resentment for years to come, eventually building up until it all spills out in one ugly mess. Others avoid conflict by essentially shutting down when the other person is complaining. That’s also not a good idea since the complaining partner may take it as a lack of willingness to communicate.

If you don’t like something, don’t be afraid to talk about it. People can’t read minds, so there’s even a chance your partner may not even know that he or she is offending you. As long as it’s done in a civil and constructive way, bringing up your issues with your partner can definitely help your relationship.

Use “I” Statements

When discussing problems, try to use “I” statements (ex. “I think we should be spending less on clothes.”) instead of “you” statements (ex. “You spend too much on clothes.”). This makes it clear where you’re coming from and helps prevent you from sounding like you’re attacking or blaming your partner personally. That in turn reduces the chance your partner will start getting defensive and/or angry.

Listen (Really!)

Ever feel extremely annoyed when someone only pretends to listen to you when you’re discussing something important? Well, your partner likely feels the same way when you’re the one doing it. Listening to your partner’s issues genuinely also shows that you’re taking the problem seriously and that you care about the relationship.

Ask Questions

Over time, you may begin to think that you know your partner enough that you understand him or her perfectly. That’s not always the case. It’s okay to be curious and ask your partner questions. You might find something new about their perspective that you can use to resolve a problem.

Notice Positive Things as Well

If the only things you bring up with your partner are problems, and you never bring up the good things that they do, it can start to feel like the relationship is more miserable than it actually is. Letting your partner know what he or she is doing right helps him or her understand what makes you happy and keeps the relationship pleasant.

Give Each Other Some Space

Some people go a bit overboard and think that every little disagreement or difference (ex. hobbies/interests) in a relationship is a problem that needs to be solved. Really, for most minor issues, it’s okay to disagree. Your perspective isn’t necessarily any more “right” or “wrong” than your partner’s. It could just be different. If it’s not a big deal, just let it go.

Don’t Make a Promise You Can’t Keep

Sometimes, just to get out of an argument, someone will just throw out a promise that satisfies the other person even if he or she has no way of keeping it. Breaking promises just builds resentment and a sense that you’re unreliable and untrustworthy. So, make sure to only promise something if you can and actually intend to follow through with it.

Apologize and Forgive

No one is perfect, and mistakes are common in relationships. If you’ve done something wrong, be sure to apologize sincerely for it. Likewise, accept your partner’s sincere apology for anything wrong that he or she did. Doing so gives a sense of closure to the issue.

Think About What You Like About Each Other

When couples leave the so-called “honeymoon phase”, life often becomes more routine, and they lose sight of why they fell in love in the first place. That’s when the complaints start coming in. Well, it doesn’t have to stay that way. Think of what you like about your partner and ways you can incorporate the things you did back then into your current lives. It’s important to never forget why you two wanted to be together.

Consider Seeing a Relationship Therapist

When all else fails, you might want to consider seeing a relationship therapist. These people have seen just about everything that could go wrong in a relationship and are trained to help you solve the issues in yours.

Tips for Specific Conflicts

Here are some suggestions for more specific problems in a relationship:

Household Chores

Make a list of things to be done. It will give both of you a complete picture of the things that you need to plan for. You can then split the duties evenly. That way each person knows what he or she is responsible for.
Assign tasks based on ability. If your partner is good at some things but absolutely clueless on others, let your partner do the things that he or she is proficient at. It’s much more efficient that way. If both of you are terrible at something, consider taking turns doing it so that no one feels that he or she got stuck with the hard stuff.
Be fair. No one likes getting the short end of the stick, especially with something that seems like it should be divided fairly. Whatever you decide to do, make sure both of you agree it’s fair. Otherwise, the person with the tougher workload is going to be resentful.

Work vs. Relationship

Make a schedule. Relationships take time and effort to stay healthy, and spending too much time at work leaves little time left for your relationship. Make a schedule to help plan out your time and remember to leave space for activities with your partner.
Do things that you did at the beginning of your relationship. Keeping the spark alive, so to speak, should always be a factor in your plans. Otherwise, the relationship will likely just keep getting duller and more routine, and conflicts can arise because of it. Look at the things you did when you first got together for inspiration.
Be sure to give your appreciation. When your partner plans time to be together with you or does something great for you, remember that he or she likely had to sacrifice something else in order to make it happen. It’s even more true with today’s busy schedules. Make sure to give thanks and let him or her know how much you appreciate it so that your partner knows that his or her efforts were worth it.

Intimacy

Plan for intimacy and sexual activity. It’s quite common for couples to have mismatched libidos or work schedules that get in the way of sex. That doesn’t mean that you should give up on it though. Although it may not sound all that romantic, come up with a schedule for sexual activity (dates, sex, or even just spending time with each other) that you’re both comfortable with. You may find that having a schedule increases your anticipation and interest for those special days.
Discuss your preferences with your partner. You shouldn’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t like in a relationship. So, make sure you discuss what you’re comfortable with doing and what you like in order to set some boundaries. Also, it will let your partner know how to please you.

Finances

Set up a budget. Making a budget helps you save money and sets boundaries for your spending. If you need to make a big purchase, be sure to bring it up with your partner to make sure that your budget can handle it.
Try having a split budget if you can’t agree on spending. If you want to buy things for yourself that your partner thinks are a waste of money (and vice versa), try splitting part of the whole budget so that you each have a bit of “me” money that you can spend on whatever you want.
Compromise on spending habits. If one of you is a saver and the other is a spender, which is often the case, reach a compromise in your budget. For example, you could agree to set aside a certain amount per month specifically for big purchases.
Discuss any future goals you might have. If you eventually want to live in a large house or own a fancy car, bring it up in your financial discussions. That way you can both come up with a plan to reach that goal (if you two agree on it).
Don’t hide income/debt. It’s important to be honest with your partner about all financial problems. You don’t want some existing debt to mess up a carefully planned budget down the line. Being dishonest about such a sensitive issue will also destroy trust (ex. “What else could he/she be hiding?”).

Signs of an Abusive Relationship

No matter how hard you try, sometimes there’s just no saving a relationship. Often, these relationships go into abusive territory. You should never stay in an abusive relationship, and these are the signs of one that you should look out for:

violence or threats of violence
verbal or emotional abuse (ex. name-calling, shaming, constant criticism)
sexual abuse (forcing you to have sex or do sexual acts you don’t like); forcing a pregnancy (such as by lying about or tampering with birth control) or forcing you to end a pregnancy
trying to isolate you (such as from friends and family)
stalking or spying on you

These are all methods one person uses to control the other in a relationship. Relationships vary, so this list may not cover all the signs. But if your partner is trying to manipulate or control you somehow, it’s never okay. You should leave the relationship if you can do so safely or get help if you can’t.